Your Brain Can Lie

The brain is one heck of a thing. 

It sits in our heads, basically piloting around a meat suit. Neither one of us can really survive without the other.  

And for something smart enough to name itself, it sure can be mean to the body that it needs to survive, and to itself. 

Right now things are pretty tough. Not just for me, but it feels like we are all going through it. I had a really rough weekend. Lots of different small and medium-sized bad things combined into a giant anchor-sized (and weighted) big thing. I am still feeling the effects of it today, and it will probably take a while to shake it. 

I fought all day on Sunday to stay present, to keep up with all the things I had to do that day. There was a potluck to prepare for, people to be around, and a visit to my grandmother at her care center, all while trying to keep it together so no one would see that I was struggling.  I kept to myself for most of the afternoon. When I did have to leave the safety of my trailer (did I mention we were camping?), I sat with my kids, my husband, and a good friend. 

As the fog of the day started to burn off, I put on my "out with people" face. We all have a version of the same one. The one we use when we want people to think that everything is peachy keen. As the crowd that came for the potluck and stayed for the hockey game started to thin out I was starting to feel less shaky. 

For the most part, we keep these bad brain days to ourselves. Somehow we all got the idea that admitting we are having a bad day (or days) makes us somehow flawed. We suffer in silence and refuse to ask for help. While there was not one thing specifically that caused the break, it helped to know that my husband and kids knew that I was having a rough day and that they gave me the space to catch my breath, and then gave me the support I needed when I couldn't hide anymore.

When I am in a rough spot, I don't necessarily want to talk about it at that moment. I need the time to work it over in my head and really try to make a plan. Or at least acknowledge what the issues are that are arising. When it comes time to talk about what is causing the void feeling, I don't always want it fixed, nor do all of the problems have a "right then" solution. But being allowed to feel the feelings, and all that comes with it can be a big help. 

It can't be bad all the time, and I know that the current dark place I am in will eventually clear and something good will come. But while I am here, and while I am suffering, it's a comfort to know that not only are there people out there that love me and want me to get through this but that we all get to these points sometimes. No one has to be alone in these mires of sadness and frustration. If you don't have someone to talk to, there are numbers to call or text, and websites to chat on. 

Reaching out is the part when your brain is whispering all the bad things. And sometimes you have to wait for these things to pass. But they will. Holding on is the hard part, but we are stronger than the whispers. 

Music Corner

When we are down in the deepest dumps, don't we wish that someone would just come along and make everything better? I know when the ones I love are stuck in depression, I wish that I could make it all better. Fix You by Coldplay is about that feeling. Written in 2005 by all four members of the band, it was started by singer Chris Martin, and was inspired by his then-wife, Gwyneth Paltrow.

Martin met Paltrow three weeks after her father died. The song reflected Martin's wish that he could help Paltrow through her loss. He felt that the song sounded like it should be written on a church organ. Eventually, though, he found a synthesizer that once belonged to Paltrow's father sitting unused in her home. The sounds that the synthesizer made though suited the feeling of the song. And it must have worked, the song went on to win many accolades, and was featured on many best-of lists for the year. 

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